This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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