I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
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