I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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