Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
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They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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