if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
