i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
