I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
