apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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