New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
