One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
