If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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