He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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