Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
