At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
