i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
