I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
