just come out here and I will go home with you...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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