Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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