You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize
