I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
