I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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