I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
