I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
