Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I touched a dick in church today
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
