Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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