i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
