Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
