did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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