a queef is a wish your heart makes.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
