Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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