Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
