im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
