I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
