peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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