when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Randomize
