somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
