There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
