dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
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just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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