I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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