Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
