i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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