I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
