You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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