Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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