I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
