Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
