mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
false alarm, still single
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
