i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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