I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i think my cat just said my name.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
