five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
