I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
