did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
