If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
