So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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