I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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