And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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