They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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