Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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