Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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