My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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